Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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