I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
