She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
