she was so not down for the gang bang
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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