i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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