i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
