and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize