my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
