So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
