I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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