I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
