i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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