the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
