my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
