Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
