my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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