the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
