Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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