Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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