I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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