She's JV to your varsity
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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