Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
