On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
