I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
