Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
