it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
