Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
