and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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