Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize