mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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