Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
