She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
