well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's blow job season.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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