why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
