It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
