I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
