I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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