I just pynch a tree in the face
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
