I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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