did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
