OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
