you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
