Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize