I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
