you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
