Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
