someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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