how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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