were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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