remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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