There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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