If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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