She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
