P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
