she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
