Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need a beard to bite.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
