Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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