just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
