You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
