were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
