so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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