mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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