I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
